楼主,翻译长句最重要的是抓住句子的核心主干.
Those changes come as /concern (over corporations' responsibility for public health) /has been growing.
*括号里的是concern的修饰成份,可以先放到一边,最后补充翻译
*是concern has been growing,这个不能弄混.(一楼这里弄错了)
*changes come as concern has been growing:随着关注度上升,产生了变化
由于企业在公众卫生方面承担的责任备受关注,那些改变也就因此产生了.
(二楼翻译得也对,不过public health应该翻译成公众卫生)
Those changes come as concern over corporations' responsibility for public health has been growing.
企业对公众卫生所应承担的责任越来越受到关注,那些改变就随之产生了。
企业对公众健康的责任受到越来越多的关注,那些改变随之而来.
这些改变是由于考虑到,公司对公众健康(的要求)一直在增长应有的责任。
那些改变源于有关公司对公众健康的责任增加